Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
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*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I love twitter
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”