Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
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inside you are two wolves
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Me :
All Day At Night
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
is nasa ok
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar