“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
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My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.