I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
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“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
me and my fake scenarios
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
🔦🌙👣
crochet youtube is brutal
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.