I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
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Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad