When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
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“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
*limbos under the caution tape
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]