Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
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Word.
~ Microsoft.
*skinny dips into black hole
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.