Driving in Europe vs Canada
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“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Yep.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
crochet youtube is brutal
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch