Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
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The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?