How many vultures circling you is good luck?
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[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
My Guy
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am