Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
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Every damn time
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please