Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
You Might Also Like
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Ha.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
very niche meme I made
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup