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Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!