Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
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You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.