I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
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The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
drew a comic about my origin story
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure