I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
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Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.