I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
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I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN