first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
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DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice