What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
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If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Hero horse inspires millions
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.