My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
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Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air