4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
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Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too