*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
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I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”