I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
You Might Also Like
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters