One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
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The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Banking tips
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”