*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
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Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
what are they serving at kfc then???