Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
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no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy