Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
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Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.