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There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*