I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
You Might Also Like
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I’m literally crying
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
for all #parents out there
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Sunday
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo