doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
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Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.