If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
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willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.