So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
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How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.