Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
You Might Also Like
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Otters see a butterfly.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
lot going on here, legally speaking.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.