i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
You Might Also Like
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Stop being racist to kettles.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
My boss called in sick of me
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”