“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
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“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead