Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
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if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.