That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
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Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?