The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
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The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.