Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
You Might Also Like
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.