ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
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God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Tony Hawk, age 6
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”