Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
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I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?