Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
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[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter