no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
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Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.