Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
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To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
this post was so formative to me
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Bond. Trauma bond.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.