Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
no one likes gloating
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.