If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
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The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Pretty certain I can more drunk
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.