A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 馃檹
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I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He鈥檚 badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he鈥檚 being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]掳sips drink掳 that’s ridiculous 掳water shoots out of holes掳
No more questions
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he鈥檚 kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he鈥檚 a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Judge: I鈥檓 disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I鈥檓 disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
DOOO EEEET
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there鈥檚 no difference and they鈥檙e either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Tomorrow鈥檚 goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]