Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
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My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
.. do you even science?
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.