[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
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news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.