Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
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Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.